Tolar's Bad Joke
by thyme2read
Summary: Humorous one-shot based on "In The Pale Moonlight."


Tolar's Bad Joke

Deep in the depths of Rura Penthe, Grathon Tolar shivered in his cell. It was dismal and quiet. Too quiet, he decided.

"Hellooooooo!" he shouted out of the blue.

_Helloooooo!_ The cave shouted back. His cell had great acoustics.

"Is that you?" _Is that you? _

Tolar snickered, then answered himself, "Yes, it's me!" _Yes, it's me! _

"Prove it!" _Prove it! _

"I asked you first!" _I asked you first!_

He snickered again, then began to sing a bunch of silly songs, including Row Row Row Your Boat, in a three-part harmony with his echo, until the Klingon guard banged on the door.

_"BIjatlh 'e' yImev!"_ he barked.

Tolar had learned on his first day here that it meant, "shut up." That was a phrase he heard every day, along with a few more hostile ones. Klingon killjoys.

Fine. There were other ways to keep busy. He could play tic-tac-toe, build miniature snow castles, count the bugs in his cell, make shadow puppets, or his favorite pastime: writing letters.

Sneaking out the Klingon PADD he pocketed from one of the wardens, Tolar quickly jotted down his weekly letter to Garak, in the style of his fellow prisoners.

_Wuzzam, lil' Cardi?_

_I am literally chillin' down here. Sad to say, nothing's changed since last week. The food is still horrible and the Klingons still have no sense of humor. They always say they will execute me tomorrow, but I'm still kickin'!_

_How are things going in the free world? I sketched your portrait onto the cave wall yesterday. You look silly with a mustache. _

_Write me back, $*%#!_

Tolar clicked Send and, imagining the look of aggravation on Garak's face, he dissolved into chuckles.

The next day the Klingon guards unlocked the door and announced that the time for his execution had finally arrived. Since there was no way out of it, the blue alien got to his feet and went to face his doom.

Execution was simple. Go to the surface and freeze to death. As the elevator climbed higher and higher, Tolar's spirits sank farther and farther. Was this the end of Tolar? His lip began to quiver. It wasn't fair. He never meant anyone any harm, but it seemed he was always getting into trouble, because no one understood his sense of humor.

But much to his surprise, once they reached the surface, there was a Klingon Battlecruiser perched in the snow. There were two Klingon officers standing next to the boarding ramp.

"Get in!" one of them barked.

Tolar got in, no questions asked.

* * *

"I can't tell you how grateful I am, Captain," Tolar beamed. "The Klingons were going to execute me tomorrow. Of course, they say that every day - one of the little games they like to play-"

"You do understand the terms of your parole?" asked Captain Sisko flatly.

"Oh, yes. I have to promise to stay away from the Klingon Empire, ha ha, -That'll be tough - And I have to create some kind of 'special' holo-program for you. I can't wait. I've never worked for Starfleet before!"

"Let's be very clear about this," said the Captain with a decided frown. "You're not working for Starfleet. This entire matter is strictly off the record. As far as you're concerned, you're working for me. I suggest you go wait in your quarters. Mister Garak will provide you with all the information you need."

Garak? Tolar shrank back in his chair. "Garak is here?"

"That's right."

"Oh, heh… Well, that's different. I'll… go wait in my quarters." Tolar walked away, not looking forward to being confronted by the grim Cardassian. The memory of all those taunting messages flooded his mind. Would he be angry?

* * *

Tolar waited over an hour for Garak, but when he didn't show up he decided to take a walk. It had been almost a year since he'd had the luxury of a stroll. It's amazing how prison can make you appreciate the little things…

Presently, he came across a place called "Quark's" and popped in for a look round. He ordered a drink, and was pleased to hear several of the other customers discussing theater. Tolar positively loved theater, and was delighted to be included in the conversation. It wasn't long before some of them attempted a few amateur performances.

Tolar's performance, however, landed him in trouble with security. Apparently, the Ferengi actually believed he was trying to kill him.

"I suppose that means I'm a very convincing actor, he he," he snickered. Maybe this was a sign that it was time for a career change.

"Humph. _I'm_ not convinced," muttered Odo, the Security Chief.

All the Ferengi would say was that somebody was going to pay.

"This is all a big misunderstanding. Captain Sisko will clear it all up," Tolar assured them.

Odo put the blue alien in a holding cell and went to go finish taking statements.

In the meantime, Tolar looked around. Noticing another troublemaker in the cell across from him, he struck up a conversation. "So… what are you in for?"

"Stealing," he replied. "And following people around. My name's Russ."

"Graython Tolar. Remember that, I'm going to be famous someday," he sang.

After chatting for a little while, another person wandered into the Security area, and "Russ" got his attention.

"Oh hey, Dad. Over here. Did you bring me the PADD?"

He did, but there was some confusion as to how to shut off the forcefield. So Tolar assisted them. "I believe the code for that cell is 72291, if I observed correctly."

"Oh yeah! Thanks," said Dad.

"And just what do you think you're doing?" asked a gruff voice from the doorway, and there stood Odo.

Next thing he knew, Dad was accommodated with the cell next to his son's, accompanied by a stern lecture from the Security Chief about setting a good example for his offspring.

Tolar was in stitches.

"What are you laughing at?" scowled Russ.

"Oh, he he – you know – like father like son. Ha ha ha… 'Here you go, son. Is that bunk taken?'" He burst into another round of laughter.

"Shut up!"

"You _all_ need to shut up," said Odo. "Humph. Criminals."

Presently Captain Sisko arrived and set things right, just as Tolar told them he would. Tolar wanted to ask him about the program, but he didn't stay long enough. "He must be a very busy man," he concluded, but he was anxious to repay his debt and get going! Now that he was free, there was so much to do!

Then Tolar caught sight of Garak.

"Hello, Graython," said the creepy Cardassian. "I received all of your delightful little messages."

Tolar laughed nervously. "You mad, bro?"

* * *

It turned out that Garak really wasn't all that mad. He and Captain Sisko were far more concerned with the holo-program than anything else.

So Tolar got to work. The sooner he got it done, the sooner he could start on his acting career!

Periodically Garak and the Captain would come by to check on the progress. Tolar noted that Captain Sisko seemed particularly serious and uptight.

"The war must be weighing on him," he observed aloud to himself.

"Yes, war is a terrible thing," Garak sighed. "But Captain Sisko is taking it especially hard because he believes himself responsible for starting it."

"Poor chap." Tolar shook his head. "So many deaths on his conscience…"

Garak sternly reminded him to concentrate on the programming. "I'm afraid I must step away for a moment, but you just continue on with your work. I'll be locking the door to ensure that you're not disturbed."

Tolar nodded with eyes dilligently fixed on the console.

"And Graython," said Garak.

Tolar looked up.

"I wouldn't attempt to force the door if I were you." The Cardassian explained that there was a clever device rigged to the door. "I'd hate to have to call a janitor to finish your work."

Tolar stared blankly for a moment, then laughed heartily.

Garak laughed as well, and after shooting him a final warning look, he left.

Garak wasn't such a bad fellow, either, thought Tolar. He began to feel remorseful for sending him all those bothersome messages, especially since Garak was the one who recommended him to Captain Sisko.

Tolar resolved that not only would he do his best work ever for these worthy patrons, but he'd also throw in a surprise – a little something to cheer them up. After all, if it weren't for them, he'd still be snowed in that dismal cell on Rura Penthe.

* * *

"That's all of the new material," said Garak to Sisko. "The rest of the program plays out just as you saw before. What do you think?"

"It's better. They seem more real."

"You are happy?" asked Tolar.

"It's satisfactory," answered the Captain.

"You may record the program onto the data rod now," instructed Garak.

Tolar did as he was told. While waiting he overhead Sisko whisper, "I've received a message from Senator Vreenak. He's on his way."

"Excellent," Garak returned.

Tolar held up the finished recording. "Who gets it?" he asked, making as if to toss it.

"Just put it in the case," ordered Garak gravely.

Tolar did so and prepared to leave the room. "Well, it's been a pleasure doing business with you gentlemen. Call me again if you ever need—"

Captain Sisko stepped in his way. "You're not going anywhere."

The blue alien blinked. "What do you mean?"

"You're not leaving until your work has been accepted by our client," explained the Captain, getting up in his face.

"That isn't fair! You can't keep me here against my will! I haven't done anything wrong! We had an agreement!"

Tolar felt himself slammed against the wall, then Sisko grumbled at him through clenched teeth.

"I'm making a new agreement. If that program passes inspection, you walk free - but if there's even the slightest flaw, I'll send you back to that Klingon prison and tell Gowron to take his time when he executes you!"

Tolar could only stare at him in horror. Finally, when Sisko stepped back a few paces, he said, "Ok. It'll pass. You'll see. It'll pass!"

"I sincerely hope so," said Garak. "Why don't you wait in your quarters. I'll be along shortly to say hello."

Tolar looked from one to the other uncertainly, then left.

* * *

Senator Vreenak arrived on the station, and Sisko followed the plan. He started by trying to convince the Romulan that the Dominion was their common enemy, using every argument he could think of. But just as they anticipated, the Senator wasn't interested in talk. He wanted evidence.

So Captain Sisko introduced the Cardassian data rod and led him to the holosuite to view it.

But when the program started to play, there was no sign of Weyoun or Damar, and no talk of invading Romulus. Instead, there was the sound of drums and loud, upbeat music, and on a stage was some red-headed fellow with a microphone, singing to some unseen female and dancing in a range of settings.

_We're no strangers to love_

_You know the rules and so do I_

_I know commitment's what I'm thinking of_

_You wouldn't get this from any other guy_

_I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling, try to make you understand_

_Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down_

_Never gonna run around and desert you_

_Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye_

_Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you_

The singer's outfits seemed to change with the background; sometimes he had sunglasses, sometimes a trenchcoat. Sometimes he was accompanied by backup singers and dancers. At the bottom of the visage there read in bold white text: "You've just been Rick-Rolled!"

Sisko froze in horror and disbelief. Vreenak was equally flabbergasted.

_We've known each other for so long_

_Your heart's been aching but you're too shy to say it_

_Now we both know what's been going on_

_We know the game and we're gonna play it_

_I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling_

_Try to make you understand…_

Sisko recovered enough to hazard a glance at the Senator. The Romulan looked positively furious, and was glaring so sharply that the Captain could easily imagine steam puffing out of his nose and ears.

_Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down_

_Never gonna run around and hurt you_

_Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye_

_Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you…_

Vreenak could take no more. "Is this some kind of sick joke?" he demanded in a raspy voice. "You dare to waste my valuable time… _with this?"_

"Wait! The program's only half played out. There's something else you need to see," Sisko pleaded.

"The only thing I need to see," hissed Vreenak, "is that you get what you deserve for this vile deception!" Then snatching the optalithic data rod, the one that Sisko had worked so hard to obtain, the Senator stormed back to his ship.

Tolar. TOLAR!

* * *

Sisko stamped into Garak's shop like a madman.

"Is there something I can help you with, Captain?" asked Garak.

"Tolar," grumbled the Captain.

Garak frowned. "I take it that Vreenak discovered the hoax?"

Sisko grit his teeth and repeated, "Where's Tolar? I'm gonna kill him!"

"I'm afraid you can't."

"And why not?"

"I sort of… already did."

Sisko dealt Garak a hard punch to the face, something he'd been wanting to do for quite some time.

"If you would allow your anger to subside you will see that they did not die in vain! The Romulans will join the war!"

"There's no guarantee of that!" yelled Sisko. Then in angry, broken language he conveyed the story to Garak.

"Well… That certainly changes things," said Garak. "But I suppose it's not a total failure. Knowing the Romulans, they'll eventually watch the program in its entirety, if only to find more fuel to criticize you. After sitting through that horrid music video, they'll see the recording of a high level Dominion meeting, during which the invasion of Romulus was being planned."

"Then they'll discover that it's a fraud!"

"No, I don't think that they will, because any imperfections in the forgery will appear to be the result of the explosion."

Sisko blinked. "What explosion?"

Now Garak looked panicked. "Are you saying there _hasn't_ been any explosion?"

"No! Why would there be?"

_"Worf to Captain Sisko."_

"Go ahead."

_"We need you in OPS, sir."_

"Does this have anything to do with an explosion?" grumbled Sisko.

_"Yes, sir,"_ answered Worf with a note of surprise.

Garak breathed a sigh of relief.

_"A high-ranking Romulan diplomat was killed yesterday when his shuttle exploded."_

"Which Romulan diplomat?" asked the Captain, shooting a death glare at Garak.

_"Senator Vreenak. The Tal Shiar are still investigating, but preliminary reports point to sabotage. They believe the Dominion is responsible."_

"Thank you, Mr. Worf." Sisko punched Garak again. "Now, give me one good reason why I shouldn't send you to join Tolar and Vreenak!"

"Because I just helped you save the entire Alpha Quadrant?" ventured the Cardassian, cradling his bleeding jaw.

Sisko thought it over and nodded grudgingly. That was a pretty good reason.

Throwing up his hands, he walked out of Garak's shop resolved that that would be the last time he ever turned to an ex Cardassian operative for help.

* * *

AN: This idea came to me after watching several great Rick Roll videos on YouTube, including, "R2D2's Secret Message" and a DS9 video with Quark by Tranchera. If some one out there ever makes a Rick Roll version of "In The Pale Moonlight," please let me know. I'd really love to see it!


End file.
